SATURDAY, APRIL 26, 2008 08:18 AM, PDT
One of the challenges of chemo is having to drink a gallon of water per day. Aren't we all supposed to be doing THAT anyway? Flush out impurities? Yup. But, this lovely chemo burns my insides from my lips and mouth, through the digestive tract and intestines and on out the other end. Yahoo. It tends to make my tummy feel pretty bloated and unsettled.
I was just discussing with my sweet parents last night how last year I was veritably revelling, albeit with a dose of guilt, that my life was pretty easy. Kids, job, homeschool, house, adoring husband...the whole bit. I had actually thought in my head that if I were to be a little sick and incapable of doing my normal duties, I would have lots of time to study the scriptures, pray and develop a deep relationship with my Father in Heaven. VOILA!
Guests and friends of mine...be careful what your very thoughts are.
And, so, I have the time. Not so much the energy, but certainly plenty of time. I can go slow. It's all good. I am blessed with my mom, dad, niece and daughter who love to read to me when all I can do is close my eyes and listen. I have been transposing the talks given last and this general conference by Elder Holland addressing our very Christianity. I cannot pray without absolutely blubbering like a baby. (They'll probably stop asking me to pray soon)
I try really hard not to think of what my life was before the cancer. I get way too sad and it takes a lot to bounce back from. I can't really even think of the months of chemo in front of me. Does the same thing. What I have, always, is just today. Just today. And, I am almost always grateful for what today is. (Just being real...)
I will indulge just for one moment how very much I miss my husband. One doesn't think about the simple joys and pleasures of actually living with your sweetheart. To see his sweet face every morning. To be hugged every time we are near each other. Just the wink and the smile we exchange. I miss being in my own home. I even miss having to keep up my home. (Well, maybe not the dishes :) ) I miss being in church, partaking of the sacrament, listening to the testimonies and talks of good saints. I miss sitting with my family on the front right pew trying, albeit in vain sometimes, to pay better attention.
I miss teaching Relief Society. I miss being with the sisters.
I do want to express my gratitude to all the good saints of my ward and stake who have helped my husband with the house. I hear that my entire house has been packed up as if we were moving, the carpet ripped out and the floor being prepped for a hardwood surface. This whole thing is rather unnerving as I have no say or influence over what is happening. I have no way to cover up my messes before the world comes in to help. Embarrasstacating in the mostess.
What I have is today. Gratefully, I have today. My job is to make the most of every day, and to bring myself closer to the Lord. He is there waiting for me to move closer, anxiously.
I look forward to reading your comments whenever you have time to check in with this journal. Thank you for your love, prayers and concern for our family.
You have today. What will you do with it?
